Monday, August 28, 2006

Knitters can rob banks too!

OldLadyPenPal Shares a Tale: If I needed a bank robber costume....

Arizona-Local Authorities were amazed today when a robbery was reported by a local bank. Apparently the robbers were all clothed in hand-knit sweaters and were armed with numerous sets of knitting needles, which they waved threatening at the tellers and security guards.

"I just could not think with the lead robber who wore a handknit thing over her head waving her size 17s in my face. I just handed over the money and forgot to put in the ink packets, says Mary who was the teller who was told to put all the small bills into a bag already full of yarn and knitting paraphernalia.

Fortunately, the gang, calling themselves Knit One Steal Too, were easily apprehended at the local yarn shop, where they bought huge amounts of luxury yarns with large bills. The yarn store owners became suspiciuous when she noticed the handknit mask in one of the knitting bags with a lot of large bills and the size 17 inch straight needles. "You know, knitters just don't use straight needles anymore," said Linette owner of the yarn store across from the bank. "I saw some commotion over at the bank, but had no idea it was Knit One Steal Two, but I am sure glad I had that silent alarm system installed last weekend." The detectives had actually found a lead on the internet to the gang that have been on a bank robbing needle-waving crime spree lasting 10 months, where one of the gang-memeber apparently posted a free pattern for a 'bank robbing ski mask' called Babyface on a site called Knitty.com

The members will be arraigned Monday in the Federal Court Ninth district for multiple accounts of conspiracy, assault with deadly weapons, and federal bank robbery. The maximum penalty for these is 10 years, 35 years without knitting needles, and life, respectively.

A raid on the gang's hideout turned up more knitting needles, including some size 50 needles used at the Compass Bank robbery three nights ago, and huge amounts of yarn. "Clearly, these robbers had an unhealthy obsession with yarn and knitting; so unhealthy that they had to resort to bank robbery to fund their habits," says Dr. John Knitlees, the police psychologist. "There was so much yarn that they could never hope to knit it all in their combined lifetimes. Really, this hoarding behaviour is extremely unhealthy and indicative of individuals with personality disorders accompanied by shades of obsessive-compulsive tendencies. These knitters should be stripped of their yarn and pointy sticks, lest they do some terrible damage to themselves. Restraints would probably be good too."

4 comments:

OldLadyPenPal said...

i'd comment, but i am currently awaiting arraignment and have been advised by my attorney to only reply "no comment."

Ed said...

I KNEW IT!!

They're all up to no good.

Why don't knitters us straight needles anymore, baffled.

turtlegirl76 said...

That is too freakin' funny!

cpurl17 said...

Don't give me any strange ideas now...